Well, it has been a year ever since I've used this blog. I must admit I found it by accident today. I started reading old posts I'd written for a Spanish literature class and I thought they were very witty. It's interesting because lately I've been going down memory lane and I have been finding things about myself I didn't remember.
I am graduating in May and I am very stressed about what's going to happen, what's next? I am in a very confused state and it's very stressful.I feel a little disoriented and maybe worthless. It just seems to be that graduation is just casting a big shadow over me with all the uncertainties that come with it. I think it is exacerbated by the fact that I've been finding people from High School on Facebook and I've compared myself to them and I feel like a loser. Fine, not all of them went to university but some have a great careers, others have a family with kids or others at least have a significant other.
I have never lived with a significant other, don't even have a job and my chances of getting infected by malaria are higher than those of having a family anytime soon. I try to go over my life and I analyze it, I have done things, I lived in Guatemala for a while, did four years of medicine, I'm finishing a bach in Canada, I had a boyfriend but it was long distance, so couldn't become anymore serious than me flying to see him or vice versa. I know I have done things others haven't, I know it's wrong to compare, however, I just can't get passed this feeling of being an underachiever... It is absolutely depressing.
A good thing in all of this is that I am not as far from my dreams when I was 17 than I thought I was; I just watched a video from highschool where I was saying that in 20 years I would probably be a journalist, with a great job and that maybe I would already be dead because I would have been somewhere in the jungle and caught some rare incurable disease. I wanted to have an adventurous life. Well, the journalist part will become true if I get in the Ma program I applied to, and the rest will ensue... I just had forgotten I wanted to be a journalist when I was younger... It's funny how without knowing people seem to go back to whom they were before. Anyways, I read my last post and now I can talk about my trip and how much I grew since then. It really made me realize that I'm totally independent and I am planing a trip for this summer to Asia if I don't get into my program. It will by far be a second best. I think I glamourized graduating a little too much. It's absolutely stressful because of the amount of incertitude that comes from it. I just hope that I will soon know what to do with my life, as I can't stand this. I know I'll learn from it, just wished it was easier.